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Welcome to Unit3's terrible joke section! As he often sends me bad jokes which are sometimes even hard to comprehend I fealt he was deserving of his own terrible joke section. I don't know when this will get updated, probably whenever another joke rolls around that is as good as these...
September 25, 2000
Tiger Woods drives his huge Volvo to a garage in Bay Roberts on his tour of Newfoundland. The attendant at the gas pump greets him in a typical Newfoundland manner, unaware of who he was. "How ya gettin' on by'" etc. As Tiger is talking to him he bends down at the pump and two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground. "What are dey me Son?" asks the attendant. "They're called tees." replies Tiger Woods. "What's dey fer?" asks the Newf. "They're for putting my balls on while I'm driving." says Tiger Woods. "Jaysus", says the the Newf, "Dem boys at Volvo tinks of everyting!!!"
September 20, 2000
Top Ten Times in history when saying FUCK was appropriate:
10) "What the fuck was that?" - Mayor of Hiroshima
9) "Where did all these fucking Indians come from?" - Custer
8) "Any fucking idiot could understand that! " - Einstein
7) "It does SO fucking look like her!" - Picasso
6) "How the fuck did you work that out?" - Pythagoras
5) "You want WHAT on the fucking ceiling?" - Michaelangelo
4) "I don't suppose it's gonna fucking rain ?" - Joan of Arc
3) "Scattered fucking showers... my ass!" - Noah
2) "I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in my head!" - J.F.K.
And the number one most appropriate use of the "F" word....
1) "Who the fuck is going to know?" - Bill Clinton
September 18, 2000
How To Impress a Client
I was in the VIP lounge last week en route to Seattle. While in the lounge, I noticed Bill Gates sitting on the couch enjoying a cognac. I was meeting with a very important client who was also flying to Seattle with me but she was running a bit late. Being a forward type of guy, I approached Mr. Gates and introduced myself. I explained to him that I was conducting some very important business and how I would appreciate it if he could throw a quick "Hello Chris" at me when I was with my client. He agreed.
Ten minutes later while I was conversing with my client, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Bill Gates. I turned around and looked up at him. He said, "Hi Chris, what's happening?"
To which I replied "Fuck off Gates, I'm in a meeting"
September 6, 2000
THIS IS A CLASSIC
A guy boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye. He says to him, hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes, mind if ask how you got yours?
Other guy: Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the hugest breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying I'd like a ticket to Pittsburgh, I said, "I'd like a picket to Tittsburgh." She socked me one.
First guy: Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife: Please pour me a bowl of Wheaties. But I accidentally said, "You ruined my life you fucking bitch."
August 14, 2000
This is the story of dog pound's flight for freedom to mexico...
A murderer, imprisoned for life, broke free after 15 years and was on the run. He broke into a house and tied up the young couple he found in the bedroom; the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife to the bed.
The helpless husband watched him get on the bed, straddle his wife and start to nuzzle her neck. His wife started to move her head violently, at which the man got up and left the room.
The husband squirmed the chair across the room to his young wife and hissed, "Darling, I saw him kissing you. He probably hasn't seen a woman in years. Please cooperate. If he wants to have sex, just go along with it and even pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives may depend on it!"
"Darling," the wife said, spitting out her gag. "I'm so relieved you feel that way. He wasn't kissing me, he was whispering to me. He told me he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom."
August 14, 2000
2000 British rats are infected with a strange virus that makes them feel a suicidal attraction to cats. A more disturbing aspect to this story is that researchers have also discovered that humans can be susceptible to this virus as well. This may explain why we like Chinese food so much.
Health authorities are warning that cigar smoke is actually more of a health threat than cigarettes. One study found that pollutants from cigar smoke is equal to what is normally found on a busy California freeway. Of course, sitting at home in your recliner and puffing on a cigar is a lot less dangerous that risking being run over by a semi, or shot at by the guy you cut off at the I-95 off-ramp.
The first submarine to ever sink a ship was raised from the water outside Charleston Harbor. The H.L. Hunley sunk in 1864, after planting a mine that sunk a Union blockade ship. The restoration process is going to cost $17 million. -Roughly what it will cost in campaign ads to restore the Gore campaign.
A Cuban photographer is suing a vodka distiller for using revolutionary Che Guevara's photograph in a vodka ad. "...he never drank and drink should not be associated with his memory." said photographer Alberto Korda. The company has agreed and will be using a photo of the Queen Mum instead.
A string walks into a bar and the bartender says " We don't serve your kind around here, so you'll just have to leave."
So the string walks out of the bar and sees two young ladies walking down the street and asked one to tie him in a knot and the other to kinda fluff him out a little with her comb.
After thanking the ladies the string goes back in, sits down at the bar and asks for a beer. The bartender says " Aren't you the same string I just told to leave?" And he replied "No, I'm a frayed knot."
August 8, 2000
A language instructor was explaining to her class that in French nouns unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. "House" in French, is feminine "la maison". "Pencil" in French, is masculine "le crayon". One puzzled student asked, "What gender is "computer"? The teacher did not know, and the word was not in her French dictionary. So for fun she split the class into two groups appropriately enough, by gender, and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or feminine noun. Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation. The men's group decided that computers should definitely be of the feminine gender "la computer", because:
- No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
- The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
- Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later retrieval; and
- As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheque on accessories for it.
- In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on;
- They have a lot of data but they are still clueless;
- They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem;and
- As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you'd waited a little longer, you could have gotten a much better model.
An elderly man was at home, dying in bed. He smelled the aroma of his favourite chocolate chip cookies baking. He wanted one last cookie before he died.
He fell out of bed, crawled to the landing, rolled down the stairs, and crawled into the kitchen where his wife was busily baking cookies. With waning strength he crawled to the table and was just barely able to lift his withered arm to the cookie sheet.
As he grasped a warm, moist, chocolate chip cookie, his favourite kind, his wife suddenly whacked his hand with a spatula.
"Why?" he whispered. "Why did you do that?"
"They're for the funeral!"
June 22, 2000
GOOD:
A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but he wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem: A 10-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand-painted sign that read, "RADAR TRAP AHEAD." The officer then found another 10-year-old down the road with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of change. (And we used to just sell lemonade.)
BETTER:
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs. The motorist paid the fine.
BEST:
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen's Ball.". He replied, "Highway patrolmen don't have balls." There was a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle, and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car for several minutes.
June 19, 2000
TOP TEN: WORST FIRST LINE OF A NOVEL
These are the 10 winners of this year's Bulwer-Lytton contest, wherein one writes only the first line of a bad novel. (Victorian author Edward George Bulwer-Lytton is famous--or is it infamous--for writing the novel that began "It was a dark and stormy night.")
10) As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break wind in the sound chamber he would never hear the end of it.
9) Just beyond the Narrows the river widens.
8) With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned, unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick brown hair, deep azure-blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that vied for competition, and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that defied description.
7) Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on his mind as he crept along the east wall: Andre creep... Andre creep... Andre creep.
6) Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge of narcissism, was about to give his body and soul to a back-alley sex-change surgeon to become the woman he loved.
5) Although Sarah had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not keep her from eking out a living at a local pet store.
4) Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then penguins often do.
3) Like an overripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage cheese, the corpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead on the hotel floor.
2) Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn't know the meaning of the word fear, a man who could laugh in the face of danger and spit in the eye of death -- in short, a moron with suicidal tendencies.
AND THE WINNER IS...
1) The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept along the greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the castle window, revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder, gaping in frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside her, disbelieving the magnitude of the frog's deception, screaming madly, You lied!
June 15, 2000
It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led>him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the> stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.
When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Fuck him. Give him a dollar.'
The breakfast was my idea."
May 25, 2000
A woman suspects her husband is cheating on her. One day, she dials her home and a strange woman answers.
The woman says, " Who is this?" "This is the maid," answers the woman.
"We don't have a maid", says the woman. The maid replies, "I was hired this morning by the man of the house.
The woman then says, "Well, this is his wife. Is he there?" The maid replies, "He is upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I figured was his wife."
The woman is fuming. She says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?" The maid says, "What will I have to do?"
The woman tells her, "I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the jerk and the witch he's with." The maid puts the phone down; the woman hears footsteps and the gun shots.
The maid comes back to the phone, "What do I do with the bodies?"
The woman says, "Throw them in the swimming pool."
Puzzled, the maid answers, "But there's no pool here."
A long pause and the woman says, "Is this 832-4821?"
May 18, 2000
I AM AMERICAN....
I'm not particularly intelligent, open-minded, or
generally well-liked.
I don't live in a clean place, I don't eat
nutritiously very often, And I
don't drive well.
I don't know Shakespeare, Da Vinci or Gutenberg,
Although I'm certain they
weren't American.
I drink beer.....not good beer. I don't use utensils
when eating. I believe
in guns for settling disputes, not discussions.
And I pronounce it AIN'T, not AREN'T.
I can proudly sew my country's flag on my
backpack......until I go anywhere.
Burger King IS fine dining. Cracker Jack IS a
vegetable and WWF wrestling is
real.
The UNITED STATES is the ONLY country in the world,
The FIRST nation of
ignorance, And the BEST part of South America!
My name is Johnny Bob Jimmy Joe Ray AND I AM AMERICAN!
April 12, 2000
SOME THINGS YOU JUST CAN'T EXPLAIN
A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting drunk. A man came in and asked the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?" The farmer shook his head and replied, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So what happened that's so horrible?" the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer.
"Well," the farmer said, "today I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket."
"Okay," said the man, "but that's not so bad." "Some things you just can't explain," the farmer replied. "So what happened then?" the man asked. The farmer said, "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left."
"And then?"
"Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket." The man laughed and said, "Again?" The farmer replied, "Some things you just can't explain." "So, what did you do then?" the man asked.
"I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right." "And then?"
"Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail." "Hmmm," the man said and nodded his head. "Some things you just can't explain," the farmer said.
"So, what did you do?" the man asked.
"Well," the farmer said, "I didn't have anymore rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in ... Some things you just can't explain."
March 29, 2000
There was a man sitting at a bar, and he looks over at the gentleman sitting next to him and says, "Hey, you look familiar. Are you from around here?" The man answers, "Yeah, I live down the street."
"No kidding?" says the first man, "Well, so do I. And hey, you look about my age. Where did you go to high school?"
"Oh I went to Francis Lewis over on Utopia. Graduated in '66. How 'bout you?"
"Get out. I went to Francis Lewis. And I graduated in '66, too."
"Where'd you go to college?"
"Beloit, in Wisconsin."
"No way! I went to Beloit too. What dorm?"
"Kevin Sullivan dorm."
"Sullivan? You're not going to believe this . . ."
Joe the bartender walks over, and the first guy says, "Joe, you won't believe it in a million years. This guy went to the same high school as me, graduated the same year I did, and went to the same college. We were even in the same dorm. Isn't that amazing?"
Joe looks at them both and says, "Yeah, that's just plain amazing." A third man comes in and says, "Hey Joe. What's new?" Joe says, "Not much. The Johnson twins are drunk again."
March 15, 2000
A teacher asks her class, If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?- She calls on little Johnny. He replies, None, they all fly away with the first gun shot. The teacher replies-The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking, Then Little Johnny says -I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?- The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied -Well I suppose the one that+s gobbled down the top and sucked the cone- To which Little Johnny replied, -The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking.
March 14, 2000
So...
A teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious'. James the class swot, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my Mum said it was contagious." "Well done, James" says the teacher. "Can anyone else try?" Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious." "Well done, Katie" says the teacher. "Anyone else?" Little Irish Shaun jumps up and says in a broad Irish voice, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a two-inch brush and my Dad says it will take the contagious.