Jan 06, 2002


Hello? Yes, I do like football...  Nachos?  I love nachos....Beer?  yeah, sure, sounds great! Screw the Kolinar!
THERE AIN'T NOTHING FINER I wish that time machine was real. They don't make them like this anymore.
I'll dream of you in Math.  And Chem.  And Math Lab.  And Chem Lab.  And even during football.  All football.

Memorable Quotes from Saturday Night
you don't get to know who said them, because you might tell Steven, and he doesn't get to know

"OH MAN! That girl has her hand on the other girl's boobie!"
"There's lots of lesbians here."

"Nathan, you are full of shit. I mean, I'm full of shit, but someday I aspire to be as completely full of shit as you are."

"So this is the Pat."

"In my chest beats a regulation size NFL football. My skin is covered with the chalk of the fifty yard line."

"Ok, next Saturday we have to go back to the Pat so I can wheel the beer tub girl."
"Oh my God! She is so hot! I can't even look at her, it hurts my eyes. It is like staring at the sun. That is the most beautiful girl I have ever seen in my entire life!"
"She's not that great"
"Good, you stay away from her ... Oh crap. She has a boyfriend."
"Well, you win some, you lose some."
"The football has just been torn from my chest."

"I have ovaries. They're just undecended testes. I am glad I am fertile. Being barren is uncool."

"She's crazy. I mean, put it this way. I went to her place a while back, and you know, hung out and had some coffee. When I left, I forgot one my CD's that we were listen to. Instead of going back to get it, I decided to buy it again."

"Woah, I'm in love with that girl."
"What's she doing working at the 7-11?"

"Head like a hole, black as your soul, I'd rather die than give you control. FUCK YOU, ANTICHRIST. YOU'RE GOING DOWN!"

"Viking 2-6, this is Blue Velvet."
"Roger Blue Velvet, this is Viking 2-6. We are about 5 clicks your november, over ... Blue Velvet, this is Viking 2-6, we are under heavy fire, over"
"Viking 2-6, you're in the back seat of my car."
"Caution, Blue Velvet, your coming into a hot LB."

"Hey, check out GI Jane over there."
"Hey dude, she's setting us up with GI Jane."
"Oh no."

"I hate Charton Heston. You're going down, antichrist!"
"He was Moses."

"It's ok, I just got stopped by the cops last night."
"I love her, she's the reason I come here."
"Head like a hole, black as your soul, I'd rather die than give you control. FUCK YOU, BUSH. DON'T FUCK WITH MY CARIBOU, MY CARIBOU!!!"
Graeme is gay.
"If some guy tries to get in my pants, I'll bite his face off. I had a dream that I did that."

"shit!!! fuck!!!"
"C'mon hurry, get in the car! get in the car!"
"she's gonna kill us! fuck!"

Dec 17, 2001


I Heart Girls

I mostly just think about girls, so I thought I'd put up an Rblords update that reflects that sentiment. In this update you will find several girls that I am madly in love with. Each of these girls is a 10 on my list, so I decided to do some other rankings. You will find scores out of ten for each girl in three categories. Fun, depicting how enjoyable spending time with her would be, Problems, depicting how much inconvenience I would experience, and Pain, depicting how much injury and suffering I would sustain. If you can email me their names, you will win the prize. This week, the prize is Dog Pound's self respect. I apologize in advance for using the term PDA in this article. The first person to forgive me for it wins Dog Pound's Limp Bizkit CD. Also, you can email me telling me which girl you think would be the best choice for me, and why, and I will see about posting your comments in a future update.

Here is a list of previous contest winners:
  • Dog Pound's Minidisc player was won by Darren Mills
  • Dog Pound's computer speakers were won by Dog Pound
  • Choice of one item from Dog Pound's Bedroom was won by Dog Pound
  • Dog Pound's services as butler for a week was not won by anyone.
  • Dog Pound's Aliens Special Edition DVD was won by Graeme Humphries
  • Vance Lester's flat panel monitor was won by Graeme Humphries
  • Everything Vance Lester owns was won by Graeme Humphries

Bryce Sasko is a short man that will fuck you up
Girl Number One

Girl Number One is truly a princess. She is so hot. I think about her daily and nightly.
  • What her and I would do
I think she'd like to go to parks with me and just kind of hang out. I think she'd want to talk my ear off, and that would be alright. She's probably pretty smart. I bet she'd like also like to make fun of other people with me. We'd go to Booster Juice lots and she'd call me dumb when I'd talk like Arnold Schwarzenegger .
  • The Baggage:
The problem with dating this girl would be that the guy on the left would keep hassling us and calling me Wang Chung. He'd be mad because he's an asshole. He'd yell at me lots until I'd want to cry but wouldn't because I can't. Then he'd want to fight me. I think I can take him.
  • The Relationship Ratings
Fun Factor: 7
Problems: 4
Pain Factor: 3
Who'd be in charge?: She would.
PDA: 17A

Girl Number Two

Girl Number Two is an absolute angel. I heart her very much.
  • What her and I would do
We'd drive around in my truck and listen to CJWW because that's all you can get on my radio. But that would be good enough because she'd know all the lyrics to every song Alabama ever wrote, and sing along all the time. We'd stop at Dairy Queen to get milkshakes, and then we'd sit around watching the cars go by. We'd also go on road trips often, to places like 39 mile junction and the Blacktop Diner, just for fun.
  • The Baggage:
There's this rock star goblin that would be constantly sending me on a demon hell ride. He'd mess up my artwork in a big way. I'd always be having to figure out his tricks and deceptions. He's mad because the 70's are over, and nobody told him. I think I could kick his ass.
  • The Relationship Ratings
Fun Factor: 8
Problems: 7
Pain Factor: 3
Who'd be in charge?: I would.

CKB is the main man in the Hall. He's down with all the civic sweeties.
Girl Number Three

Girl Number Three is amazing. She is very athletic, and full of energy.
  • What her and I would do
We'd exercise lots and go do martial arts in the park. She'd probably really like my nunchaks. When we weren't working out, we'd be enjoying nature. We'd spend many summer days camping at lakes, and we spend many evenings at The Pat. She'd probably also have a great time coming with me visiting my many friends. I think she'd really enjoy Busby's Monaco Hell Ride.
  • The Baggage:
This total goof ball would keep hasling me, and trying to kill me. He's mad because sunlight burns him. I'm pretty sure I can take him, but he can fly, which makes things harder.
  • The Relationship Ratings
Fun Factor: 9
Problems: 5
Pain Factor: 2
Who'd be in charge?: I would.
PDA: PG-13

Girl Number Four

Girl Number Four is a like a diamond. How her heart sings.
  • What her and I would do
We'd spend lots of time walking. I think she'd really enjoy things like picnics and trips to the art gallery. She wouldn't talk very much about nothing in particular, but when she did talk, it would really count. She'd be the strong silent type, but when she gets angry, watch out! I think her and I would be a couple of raging alcoholics, because she'd really be into getting drunk and cutting loose, because she is so in control most of the time. Her and I would probably get into lots of trouble. But, with any luck, her dad is rich.
  • The Baggage:
First off, this magical undead guy would be coming around and singing to me and making me see snakes. He's funny, but he's also a big asshole, and wears out his welcome fast. He's mad because he's dead. He'd also be hitting on my girl, so I'd have to kick his ass, and that shouldn't be too hard. The alien would be a nuisance, because it has acid for blood, and two mouths. The aliens are mad because they are ugly. These things are just plain rude, and would also be trying to eat us, and lay eggs in our mouths. This would make it hard to go anywhere and have a good time, due to a fear of dying. I'd have to fight them all the time. We'd be at the GNC so I could pick up some stuff, and then the alien would show up and tear the store apart. The alien would be hissing and drooling and swinging it's tail, and I'd look at it and say, "Fuck with me, and find out." And then we would battle. I think I could take the alien, but it would hideously scar me with it's acid blood and double mouth.
  • The Relationship Ratings
Fun Factor: 6
Problems: 10
Pain Factor: 25,000
Who'd be in charge?: She would, but it wouldn't look like it.

Girl Number Five

Girl Number Five is what is right about America.
  • What her and I would do
Her and I would go clubbing lots. We'd also drive around in my camaro looking for people that are playing football that I can challenge. Then we'd hustle them somehow. We'd make lots of money, and to impress her, I'd hire Guns N' Roses to come and put on a private show for us. I'd set up lots of drywall in my garage for them to break. She'd be so happy, she'd start to cry. Then we'd go get slurpees.
  • The Baggage:
There's these two assholes that would keep showing up and putting me through tables when we were out dating. It would get to be very hard on my back. These guys are mad because they have the same mom, but different dads. I think I could take them.
  • The Relationship Ratings
Fun Factor: 7
Problems: 5
Pain Factor: 8
Who'd be in charge?: I would.

Girl Number Six

Girl Number Six is a Dixie Land Delight.
  • What her and I would do
Her and I would spend a lot of time on her uncle's farm, because that is where she likes to be. I'd also have fun there too. She'd get mad at me because I'd spend too much time ripping shit with her cousins instead of spending time with her, but I would just kiss her until she'd shut up, and then we'd go off-roading in her jeep. I think I'd take her to the long branch, because she likes country music.
  • The Baggage:
This fat bastard with a big hat would be messing with me all the time. He's mad because he got fat. He'd have the GRC all over me. Lucky for me, the GRC would be dumber than normal, because he only hires really stupid people. I'd kick his ass.
  • The Relationship Ratings
Fun Factor: 8
Problems: 10
Pain Factor: 2
Who'd be in charge?: The Mopar.
PDA: PG-13

It's a hard life living a lie. I HEART BOOBS AND THAT'S THE TRUTH!
Girl Number Seven

Girl Number Seven is a totally rad girl
  • What her and I would do
I think we'd be very active. We'd work out together, and then go out for Chinese food. I think she'd enjoy supporting me in my athletic endeavors, as I would certainly enjoy supporting her. We'd spend lots of time throwing things at cars from the overpass. I think she'd also like it when I'd sing pop music for her.
  • The Baggage:
The Soviet Union. They'd be on me like giant bag of hammers. They'd be constantly trying to take her away form me, because they are communists. They're mad because McDonald's costs too much in their country. I'd have to fight them in many nations. I'm pretty sure that I can take the Soviet Union.
  • The Relationship Ratings
Fun Factor: 7
Problems: 6
Pain Factor: 4
Who'd be in charge?: I would.

Girl Number Eight

Girl Number Eight is stellar!
  • What her and I would do
I think girl number eight would be into partying down hard. I also think she'd like going bowling, which is good, because we'd be bowling lots. I think she'd like dining out often, and at different places. I think she'd enjoy just getting out in general, and having fun.
  • The Baggage:
This Star Trek asshole, he'd always be beaming me away from her, and I'd have many hard journeys. He's mad because he never learnt how to read. He'd tell me that I'm illogical, and I'd tell him that "Mama said to knock you out." I think he'd probably use his phaser on me lots, because he is a prick. I could still kick his ass, though.
  • The Relationship Ratings
Fun Factor: 8
Problems: 5
Pain Factor: 4
Who'd be in charge?: She would.
PDA: PA-14

      RX:,              ,,;+tIIVXRBBRXVVIIi=,.=  iYYt+;,;iYRMMXt
Nov 30, 2001


Mama said to knock you out.
Soul D Review's DRAGON FIST
I know someone that talks on the phone when pooping.
Starring Jackie Chan

There once was a green dragon that ate bad people. 1979. Jackie Chan is a student in a martial arts school that is very happy because their master just won a big tournament. The school was gleefully carrying away their prize, a giant sign, when another martial arts school approached them. The master of this school challenged Jackie Chan's master, and mercilessly beats him, giving him fatal injuries. This master steals the giant sign, and then destroys the other giant sign that Jackie Chan's school had.
Later, the mean master's wife kills herself so that the gods will not take anger with her husband for the murder he committed. This breaks the mean master, as he realizes how selfish and rude he was in killing the master of the other kung-fu school. Another Kung-Fu school shows up, and starts killing the mean master's men, secretly. It is evident that a war is going on.
Jackie Chan travels hundreds of miles to gain vengeance for his master. He beats up a bunch of people that get in his way, and then he eventually arrives at the mean master's school. The master demands that all of his students treat Jackie with respect, as he owes him a debt. Jackie Chan, his foster mom, and his foster sister sit down with the master and his daughter. The master asks Jackie Chan if is okay if he comes back in three days to collect what he is owed. Jackie agrees.I'm afraid of the candyman.
Jackie Chan Red Jackie Chan returns to collect his vengeance, but offers forgiveness when the master presents Jackie with a giant gold sign to replace the one he broke, as well as his own severed leg in a box. Jackie leaves and gets really upset.
Meanwhile, this other kung-fu school poison's Jackie Chan's foster mom so that he will do their dirty work in exchange for the antidote. Jackie Chan is framed for the murder of the masters grandson. The masters school is framed for the murder of Fatso. Fatso is some big guy that was killing lots of people. Jackie Chan shows up to the masters school again with the other kung-fu clan and What did you say about my clit? apologizes to the crippled master for having to do what he is. Eventually, everyone starts fighting, and most of the students are killed. The evil kung-fu clan orders Jackie Chan to kill the master and his disciples. The evil clan has Jackie Chan's foster mom held hostage. She tells Jackie not to kill the master, and then suddenly dies. Jackie opens a can of whoop-ass on this guy that happened to be in arms length. Then he kills all the people in the evil clan. Then really really big letters come up spelling "THE END."
Kurt Angle Don't Surf.
And in other news, Dog Pound won the song lyric contest again by correctly identifying the lyric "In my arena you will fail" as belonging to the song "Scrum" by Slayer, so he gets to keep his computer speakers. This next contest is for Dog Pound's Aliens Special Edition DVD. Can you name the song and band that spawned this lyric?
You might be the chosen one at junior high tonight.
Email your answers to Soul D. And for crying out loud, is there somone out there that can impound the pound? Oh yeah, there are secrets in this update too....

One time four really bad men went downtown and caused a ruckus. Most of them were sent away on the hell city bus, but one had to be stopped by spiderman. That man was Hugh Grant.
Nov 26, 2001


I'm sorry I got fat
Come to the Patricia Hotel! Have great fun, meet many new and interesting people, and stand in line for hours! That was the scene Saturday night. After travelling the great trek to Humboldt in Young Chris's carriage, I made plans with Blue 4130 to head down to the Pat. His fine older sister, Danielle, decided to join us. We could not convince Brian to accompany us. Much like a disenchanted Mr. Clean, he decided to stay home and watch Voyager. One day, we will convince Brian to join us in our rambling.
Meet me at the Pat!
We arrived at the Pat close to Ten, and stood in line for half an hour to get inside. The wait would have been considerably longer, except that we started waiting at the front of the line instead of the back. Don't ask me how we do it, we just, uh, do it. After we were granted entrance to the temple of debauchery, we stood in line at the coat check. After relinquishing our coats to the care of the staff, we then stood in line at the ATM. With our bills in hand, we stood in line at the bar. Finally, at Eleven, we had beers in hand and a party in our hearts that everyone was invited to.I HEART BOOBS
Five Good Tunes I Heard at the Pat:
Nickelback How You Remind Me
Captain Tractor Last Saskatchewan Pirate
Vanilla Ice Ice Ice Baby              JON
Poison Talk Dirty to Me     VOIGT WUZ
Alien Ant Farm Smooth Criminal   HERE
The bar was absolutely hopping. We found many people that we knew, and many that we were just meeting. Donnelly was there, Hubbs too, and Bill. The girls at the Pat were are all very friendly, and very frisky. Perhaps even unladylike. But, I suppose it's alright if the lady's like copping a feel once in a while. I can accept that. Blue 4130 certainly received his fair share of smacks on his bottom, and most of those were from girls.
The Pat has a decent dance floor, and a good selection of music. They play everything from rap and dance, to full out rock, and even a little country. I was there, shaking it down with the mad party crowd. I think that the esteemed Wesley Willis would have said "The mad dance party jam session the Pat was pounding out really whipped a horse's ass with belt." In fact, there was one short guy in attendance that looked like he just got off the Hell City Bus.
I did not see this man at the Pat
I saw this red haired girl at the art show I went to on Friday, she was real cute. I did everything right, up until the point where I'd have to talk to her. Oh well, I still got my free beer.
As the evening wound down it was clear that the Pat was an excellent choice for our activities. I have enjoyed the Pat to the utmost on every visit I have made.

In other news, Dog Pound won the song naming contest. No one named the mystery lyrics. The new contest offers Dog Pound's computer speakers as a prize. Can you name the band that wrote this lyric?
In my arena you will fail.
Email Soul D with your answer. And of course, I have hidden secret messages in this update that you will have to highlight for sight.
Nov 23, 2001


Some of the best song lyrics this year has had to offer.
Identify them all, and email soul_d@pwrsrc.net with your answers.
The prize in this contest is one item from Dog Pound's bedroom.
You may have anything in there.
All of these songs have been released as singles for airplay.
They have all been played on one of our radio stations, or on Much Music.
1) This time I was mistaken,
For giving you a heart worth breaking.
2) He's too stoned, nintendo.
3) They say that girl you know she act so rough rough rough.
4) He lives on my block, and he drives an IROC.
5) You must have been sent from up above.
6) Why'd you have go and be somebody like you?
7) Rolaids, Pepto, and Tums!
8) I'm the definition of half man, half drums.
9) It was way back in the corner of this old ramshackle barn,
thirty years of dust and dirt on that green army tarp.
When I pulled the cover off it took away my breath,
what she'd called a Chevy was a sixty six corvette.
10) So sorry, it's over.
So guess, guess away. As well, I have a bonus verse for you all to take a swing.
This one will be a little harder, so I up the stakes on the prize for this one.
If you correctly answer, Dog Pound will be your butler for one week.
So, here it is. I need to know the name of the song, and the artist.
I've got a blonde on my lap, a brunette on my right,
and two black haired babes just walked in the door.
And another just walked by and snuck me a touch,
just like Bustarhymes, I say "gimme some more."
This blue eyed daisy, her hair was so wavy,
I asked if she dug me, she said "it's more than a maybe"
So I looked in her eyes, and I moved in close. I said:
"Hail to the king, baby."
These girls have all gone wild, now how cool is that?
I gotta get some.
Drag your mouse between the stars for a surprise!                       GRAEME IS GAY!
Nov 20, 2001


Soul Presents

Rblords.com: The Year In Review

Welcome to november. It is time to have a massive update. About two and a half Megs massive. So get some supplies, and sit down. I have decided to present the year in review. It has actually been a pretty busy year. We saw girls coming, we saw girls going. We were at showgirls, we saw the world turn upside down, we saw some serious shit. We travelled the province and discovered love. We learned a lot about each other. It has been incredible. I SALUTE YOU ALL!

Oh man, that shin thing just seems to go on forever, doesn't it? I spent some time digging through an entire year of rblords updates. It was amazing. I laughed, I cried, and then I went for some BK. I have made a record of some of the biggest moments in the last year for rblords. Click on the date to relive the love!
Here are the 18 best rblords posts of the last year, presented in no paticular order.

       March 14

The more better 'vette

The More Better Car.
In the month of March, Unit3 provided spitfire with this incredible picture of the new corvette. Unit3 has been a big part of the rblords family for years. Except he left.

       May 8

THE PREDICTION IS PAIN! Picture of Audiophile from the Seventies.
Back in May, Spitfire found this awesome picture of everyone's favorite guy. There was much delight when it was first posted, and it led to audiophiles confession that he's actually 36 years old. Yes, that picture was taken when he was 9! Talk about early elephants with afros!

       August 22

Oh, he's not lost... Farm Accident Number Five.
This picture was part of a series of farm accident pictures posted by Spitfire back in August. Rblords has always been a leader in safety, and along with our partners, Sask Energy, would like to remind you that for everyone who loves you, come home safe tonight. Also, stop doing drugs.

       June 30

I will not be denied! The Cuff Heard Around the World.
Based on a true story, this update tells the brief tale of when Dog Pound ran into the safeway, and cuffed the famous Jon Voigt. Mr. Voigt told team rblords that "that was not the nicest thing that anyone has done for me." Dog Pound was jacked up on Limp Bizkit at the time.

       September 3

The Month of August in Review.
I thought I'd give this article mention, because it was one of the largest updates ever put on rblords. As well, it was one of many that offered Dog Pound's property as a contest prize. As for the contest in question, it is important to note that Audiophile won it. Dog Pound has yet to hand over his Minidisc player to Audiophile.

       March 1

Oh baby, keep on keepin on!

The First Anniversery of Rblords.com.
Rblords turning one year old was probably the most awesome thing to happen since puberty.

       Febuary 21

For great justice, dial down the center: 1-800-CALLATT Great Justice, Great Reporting.
Rblords was probably te first website on the internet to report the "all your base" phenomenom. Try to prove it different, and I will forward your email to Unit3. Suck that, sucka.

       July 16


Favorite Girl Dies.
Not everything reported on rblords is funny. This picture depicts the death of Favorite girl. Rblords has always brought you the cold hard truth. This picture, however is a work of fiction. It is a work showing the pain and suffering and the death that could come. It reminds us that everything good still has to die.

       Febuary 2

All Dodge go to heaven. The Death of the Volare.
Another morbid picture that has been shown on rblords, this picture portrays the death of the Super-Volare. Later that year, the Volare really did go to that great 5 star dealership in the sky. That car really whipped a horse's ass with a belt.

       July 28

You don't wanna fuck with Cayley

Young Cayley.
This picture of Cayley, taken in January of 2000, shows a nice young boy. But don't let the image fool you, he's really a cold blooded killer. No, honest. Spitfire has a picture of him with a knife and he looks really mean.

       August 9

From our house to your house. Digital Nudity.
Back in August, Audiophile shocked the entire online world by posting the first uncensored pictures of a naked woman. It was here on Rblords that this media frenzy began. At the time, it made a lot of people angry. Now, thanks to Audiophile and rblords.com, naked people dominate the internet.

       Febuary 3


Giant Picture of Nicole.
This picture was featured prominately on the front page of Rblords back in Febuary. It recieved rave reviews for it's artistic merit, and Soul D went on to win the Pullitzer Prize and the Order of Canada for it, as well as six Emmy's and a free 600ml Mountain Dew. Originally, it was posted full size, which caused awful scroll bar problems. Spitfire has since resized the original posting, but you can click the above image to view it in it's entirety. The value does not diminish with age.

       October 15

notorious Whole Lotta 'Slaw!
Audiophile posted this picture of the esteemed Spitfire back in October in his story on the YC's Chitek Lake Escape trip. Spitfire is known in many circles as an unstoppable eating machine, with a gas powered trumpet that won't stop.

       June 17


Burt Reynolds Joins Team Rblords.
In the month of June, Burt Reynolds joined team rblords and began editing Soul D's weekend updates. Everyone was excited that Burt Reynolds had joined, but were all confused when asked to call him "Turd Fergeson." Check out Steven's Back!

       January 8

My server is good digital and love for your on the machine The SDB Server Winamp Skin.
In the monthes leading up to the year 2001, Spitfire held a contest for readers to develop winamp skins for his server. Saul Behir entered an awesome skin from the SDB Server, but did not win the contest, as it had been cancelled. Saul has no regrets.

       March 31

Pike Lake 2001. Dreams come true... The Pike Lake 2001 Trailer.
This trailer for the upcoming pike lake trip was one of the first such works in it's class. It was an exciting piece of work that made everyone who watched it very happy, and more importantly, want to visit pike lake. The Pike Lake Trailer video may have been outdone since it came out, but it will always be a classic.

       August 31

Drink lots of Scotch and watch lots of crotch! Rib Head.
This is certainly one of the most famous pictures of Spitfire ever taken. He is pictured here wearing one of his condoms on his head. Talk about double XL! He was a mad party machine during Tub 2K1, and not even the police could make him put his clothes back on. Party on, dude!

       January 29

Definetly not being denied! Goodbye to Showgirls!
Spitfire and Dog Pound are pictured here saying good bye to showgirls as only they could. Show girls was shut down by the government of Canada because of the nudity. Everyone at team Rblords really misses the naked girls, but have found some level of solace in Spitfire's Play Boy Channel subscription. Viva La Tits N Ass! Viva La Rblords!

And so that concludes the top updates of the year. I think it is important that everyone recognizes the effort and challenge involved in this website. Not only that, but I'm certain that everyone reading this website has noticed how lazy a lot of city workers are. Have you ever wondered why? It's because Spitfire works so hard that the other workers can slack off. In fact, he works so hard that City workers in Calgary can afford to slack off. If it wasn't for Spitfire, all municipal governments would crumble, and the provincial ones would be struggling very hard.
Wherever you are, please put your hands up and raise the roof in recognition of the great efforts of Spitfire, but especially his great efforts. You'd better recognize, or I'll call the G-Hump collection agency to collect that recognition. Bitch.

Music has always been a big part of rblords, and of the rblords crew. I have prepared, to the best of my ability, the top 10 songs of the last year, based on listener enthusiasm, sing along value, number of people that I've seen dancing to the music, but especially personal bias.

Rblords Top Ten Songs of the Year:

  1. Night Ranger Sister Christian
  2. Shaggy Angel
  3. Nelly Furtado Turn out the Light
  4. Limp Bizkit Rollin'
  5. East Bank G's You Don't Wanna Fuck With Cayley
  6. Milli Vanilli Blame it on the Rain
  7. Dido Thank You (It's Not So Bad)
  8. P. Diddy Bad Boy for Life
  9. Ozzy Ossbourne Crazy Train
  10. Darude Sandstorm

  11. To close this monster review, I have selected a montage of pictures that have been part of the weekend update history. Check this out:

Sep 03, 2001


If you're going to save the day, and you're hearing what I say, I fear your touch and kiss is not enough. And if you believe in me, don't think my heart's for free, I won't take nothing less than I give for love. Let me tell you, you, you know I need a miracle, I need a miracle. It's not physical, what I need to get me through.
Tell me that you understand, and you'll take me as I am. You'll always be the one to give me everything. Just when I though no one cared, you're the answer to my prayers. You lift my spirits high, come one and rescue me. Let me tell you, You, you know I need a miracle, I need a miracle...

It has been a long time coming. But I have brought to you an update. This update lacks the finesse of my previous work, but it cannot be helped. I am working under deplorable conditions. Due to my recent problems with the Sisters of Mercy machine's power supply failing, I am forced to correspond via Nicotrel. Nicotrel is like Alacatraz in a lot of ways, largely due to the hard consonants in the middle of the word. Enough about the electrical perils I have been facing, I have volumes of much more important matters to relate.

...the simple kinda life never did me no harm...

Step back to the beginning of August. I commence my two week, plus one day, leave of absence from my workplace. It felt good to leave behind the high decibel levels of the press-room for the higher decibel levels that spring forth from my Camaro's Mills-spec Stereo system. At first, my retreat left me feeling disappointed due to the Leoville Rodeo trip being canceled, due to YC's illness, and other complications. I did not hold it against YC, and made the best of the time available. Simply put, I engaged in nothing. I relaxed, and unwound. During this time, The Humphries Mafia presented me with the gift of a 15 man bench seat for my back yard. I thank them to this day. I enjoyed the first phase of my vacation. However, the time to travel to Goodspirit lake was fast approaching.

...look at the stars, look how they shine for you...

Thursday morning I packed my 74 Camaro with my supplies, as well as my sister and we traveled the three hour trek east on Highway 5, finally arriving in Canora, Saskatchewan at about three in the afternoon. I was very pleased that my Camaro made the journey on twenty dollars of gasoline, after all, it does have a boss 350 under the hood. It was a very undemanding experience at the lake. I visited with my relatives, and enjoyed the slow time. I spent a fair amount of my days getting better acquainted with my car. I cleaned it, and washed it. I spent time polishing and de-greasing. I bought Scooby-Doo shoulder protectors. I bought a stock air cleaner housing for it and painted it "raver orange." I also ran some shiny silver ducting from the snorkel to the grill so that my Camaro could taste some cold air. I even changed my spark plugs. I visited with my Godfather, which was swell. I got to see Bobbi-Jo, my Godfathers daughter, whom I hadn't seen for a great number of years. It was really nice to see her and her children. She has a wonderful, one year old, baby girl named Julia who insisted wearing my Bronco's hat backwards, just like I do. I can tell that she will be a very cool girl. There was a massive feast at Wong's Cafe on Saturday, and on Sunday, Chest (Clayton Busby) and Dawn came and visited me for the day. We had quite the adventure launching Chest's boat at George's Beach. It cost him Two Dollars to use George's Boat Launch. Due to the shallow water that this years lack of precipitation has yielded, Chest had to navigate a very difficult channel, with only the instructions George gave him to help: "Up, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, Boat Start." Other than the brief visit from Chest, I spent most of my time on my own. Each night I would wander down to the beach and watch the meteor shower. The sky was absolutely transcendent. I could see tens of thousands of stars. The milky way was visible. And the shooting stars were magnificent. I made many wishes that perhaps I shouldn't have. No matter, wishing never does any good. But I still enjoyed the spectacle. I find that I spend a lot of time by myself in places like that. I need the time to think, to search for answers to questions that I cannot ask anyone else. Sometimes I reach a moment of clarity, and I become enlightened to some fact that I wish to understand. I usually do not like the answers that come to me, and quite often am left wondering how it is that I could suddenly know what is going on, but I never question such revelations, for they are never wrong. I had previously decided to leave Tuesday morning, but changed my plans when I found out that Dog Pound would not be joining me, due to a work related conflict of interest. It was, perhaps, a good decision.

...where do we go now? where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go now? Where do we go now...

Tuesday night I was standing on the beach, as I had done every night before. I was smoking a cigarette, and staring at the stars. I was reflecting upon the summer, and all that it had wrought. The main topic spinning in my mind was, of course, girls. I was feeling especially lonely that night, and was rememering all the fun that I had at Emerald Lake in June. I was wondering how many years would pass before I would meet someone interesting again. This time, there was no preminition imposed on me. But soon I would learn the answer was about ten minutes. I went for a walk up the road and was soon invited to a small party. I met some interesting people there. One was a special girl named Tiffany. It is not every day that someone meets a pretty girl who apprecitates GNR, Camaros, and Rye Whiskey. Although it is doubtful that I will see her anytime soon, if ever, I will never forget her. The next morning I stowed my gear and headed home.

...fuckin' up my whole life. So I'm on my way, I leave today, if I get away, then it will be OK...

I would like to, at this time, inject a small story into this August Epic. I promised Chest a while back that I would talk about football for a while. So I shall.
They say football is a game of inches. And truly, it can be. Two teams train hard everyday, and work to exhaustion, sometimes ending careers, for a few inches. Perhaps the worst thing that I have ever seen in football is when one team runs the clock out. Think about this: Two teams, we will call them the Spartans and the Titans, are playing a game. Going into the game, the Spartans knew that the Titans were a superior team, but they trained hard, knowing upsets can happen. Their coach told them they have to want it. That they have to want it more than the other team. Flash forward. There is a minute and a half left in the Fourth Quarter, and the Titans have possession. The Spartans played the best game they have ever played in the history of the franchise, but are still down by 21 points. Neither team has any time outs remaining. The Spartans know that they are going to loose. They not only have to regain possession, but score three touchdowns in a minute and a half. That means getting the ball, and executing two onside kicks, with no room for error. Nearly impossible. What makes this feat more impossible is that the linemen have to reach the Titan's QB before he can ground the ball. Every player lines up on the scrimmage line and sets up for the impending rush. Some players are simply going through the motions, knowing that it is only a matter of time before the end of the game, while others still want it. The center snaps the ball to the QB and the Spartans surge forward. Every muscle straining as hard as it ever has. The heart pumping, the mind willing, and every second of a lifetime of conditioning and training is channelled into one instance, but before one foot is in front of the other, the QB has grounded the ball. Now they have to stand around while the Titans run down the play clock. Second down and everything repeats. Some players keep telling themselves that they can get to the ball in time. But they do not. And soon enough, the game is over. There is no climatic final play. There are no heros. Only a team that was outgunned to begin with, left to hopelessly watch as the final thirty seconds roll off the clock, while the Titans organization wanders the field, congratulating each other on a victory they knew they had to begin with. In that time, it sure sucks to be a Spartan. That is pretty much all that I want to say about football right now.

In the still of the night, I hear the wolf howl honey...

And then Jet D stepped forth and said: "Let there be Tub 2001."
I think that this years annual hot tub extravaganza was the largest in history. I have to say that I found this to be the most stressful party I have ever thrown. Not that I am complaining, for the annual hot tub party is a labour of love, but it was very hard to deal with the estimated combined head count of 200 people from the four nights. For those who are gawking, I have counted each person once for each night they attended. And then there were the gate crashers that needed evicting friday night. Special thanks to the Holowaty's, specifically Tyler's Cousin's friend, for sending all of Rylie's to my yard. Thursday night was an intersting start up to the party, with Chest Busby's naked ass invading my house. Not to mention naked Dog Pound and naked Crystal Bideaux. Besides the gate crashers, Friday was a pretty good night. I met an amazing girl who I hope that I will see again, but every day doubt it more. I doubt I will forget her anytime soon, though. Saturday night was less chaotic than Friday, no gate crashers, only police. The cops came to my yard, shone their spot light right on Chest's naked... chest, and promptly left with little said. Key moment: remembing to take Dawn's panties off of my head before speaking with the police. Special thanks to the Holowaty's for bringing four 14 year old girls to my house at 4:30 in the morning. When Sunday night arrived, I breathed a sigh of relief. At every year's hot tub party, Sunday is my night to relax. It is a much quieter party, with only a few close friends. We listened to music and drank very lightly. Special thanks to the Holowaty's for bringing a drunk 17 year old girl that they found and drugged up with mushrooms. Actually, she was very nice, and, to tell the truth, I felt a little sorry for her, on account of how hard the younger Holowaty's were hitting on her. She didn't seem too interested, but was no doubt thinking, "I'm drunk, I'm stoned, and these guys are my ride home." She did all right.

...I can feel it, coming in the air tonight, oh no...

And so I found myself with my holidays drawing to an end. I spent Monday cleaning the yard and preparing the tub for pick up. I couldn't help but take some solace in the knowledge that I could finally rest. The whole summer had been very enjoyable, and very busy, but I was lacking my inner peace. Tuesday night I regained my inner strength and confidence when I succesfully tested for the rank of 5th gup. I spent the rest of the week in quiet meditation.

Motorin' What's your price for flight? In finding Mister Right? You'll be all right tonight.

The following Friday, a special trek was made to Joe's Cabins, situated on notorious Candle Lake. With every visit, Candle Lake has tried to claim a victim from our fold. Some may remember when the tree fell on Dog Pound, as well, there was the year when Chest almost drowned pursuing his dingy. This year was no exception to the rule, as there was another near loss. Friday morning, a jovial bunch of us were traveling north. Chest, Dawn, myself, Dog Pound, and most noteworthy, Erin Winkler, made the journey in the trusty 65 Bel Air. YC and Vance arrived much later in the Supra. YC learned that day that it is not as easy to find Candle Lake as he may have thought. Of course, all of us were excited that Erin joined us. She made the commute from Cow Town especially to join us that weekend. Thank you, Erin. When we arrived, we discovered, much to our delight, that we were staying in a gigantic barn like structure with two floors, and a balcony with an excellent view of the lake. There was much insane boating on the rough waters. Erin proved that she can handle a sea bisquit like nobody's business. But, if you think that is impressive, you should see her with Limp Bizkit. Saturday, we almost lost the Bel Air to the lake when the parking pin gave out, causing the car to roll into the lake, deep enough to fill the back seat and trunk with water. YC bravely saved the classic machine. We had fun singing Kareoke and playing with fireworks. Everyone eventually ended up in bed with Dawn. I served a glorious Ukrainian lunch, and we played great Ukrainian card games. In conclusion, we all had a great time almost burning Joe's Cabins down.

And that brings this update nearly to an end. I have only a few more things I wish to mention at this time.

Jet D's Top Six Songs of Summer 2001:

  • Hanging By A Moment - Life House. Desperate for changing, searching for truth, I'm closer to where I started, I'm chasing after you. I'm falling even more in love with you...
  • Red Neck Girl - Bellamy Brothers. ...and I pray that someday I might find me a red neck girl...
  • Put it On Me - Ja Rule. Where would I be with out you? I only think about you. I know you're tired of being lonely, so baby girl put it on me.
  • Angel - Shaggy. ...despite of my behavior, you are my savior. You must be sent from up above. And you appear to me so tender, well I surrender. Said thanks for giving me your love.
  • I Don't Believe in You - Joee. ...took in your lies for a while, now I see through you. I still have my pride and it keeps me alive. See, I don't believe you. No, I don't believe in you. How can I trust you? So now what you gonna do? Because it's always about you...
  • Boiler - Limp Bizkit. ...sometimes, somethings turn into dumb things, and that's when you put your foot down...

    And because I like to keep my promises:

    Heather is a really great girl.
    Sweeter than an ice cream swirl.
    I wish she would stop trying to grab my ass. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but she's barking up the wrong tree.

    If you can name the title and artist for each lyrical excerpt that I have subdivided this update with, you will win something of Dog Pound's.

    ...ps: if this is Austin, I still love you.


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